fuck you, chev chelios.

Have you ever been drunk, on the internet, watching videos on YouTube, and happened across something really wrong, like someone hitting themselves in the head with a hammer? And you know that you shouldn't be laughing at what you're watching, but you can't stop? If so, the sensations generated by a viewing of Crank: High Voltage will be familiar ones.

Here are the facts:

1. When the end credits began to roll, the first thing out of my mouth was, "FFFFFuck. What the fuck."

2. I emerged from the theater dazed, twitchy and squinting, with Mike Patton's hard-driving score bouncing around in my head, feeling as though I was about to be assaulted or arrested.

3. When people I know describe a film, and they use terms like "mindless and needlessly graphic violence" or "gratuitous sexuality," they are insulting it. In Crank 2 they are points of pride, cinematic tools applied with skill. I believe that there is a place in cinema for such things. Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, Crank 2's writer/directors, have found that place, and are probably hanging out there doing poppers with Takashi Miike and John Waters, who have been there for years.

4. A quick summary: Chev Chelios, hardened killer, is "rescued" from the certain death he faced at the end of the first film by Chinese Triad surgeons who remove his heart (while he watches!!!). They replace the heart with an artificial one, in order to keep him alive until they can harvest the rest of his organs. Chelios slaughters the surgeons and escapes, intent on getting his heart back. For the rest of the film's running time, Chelios fucks, shoots and stabs his way across Los Angeles, through strip clubs and whorehouses and racetracks. He steals cars and crashes them. He battles policemen. In order to keep his artificial heart going, he has to "power up" by running electricity through his body, which leads to fun scenes involving tasers, jumper cables, and fuseboxes.

5. The Chev Chelios character will be the one that Jason Statham is remembered for. He won't be thought of as the Transporter, or "the guy from Snatch," which was how I always thought of him. He's Chev Chelios, first and forever.

6. Bai-Ling, as a tough and persistent prostitute, is officially awesome. Best line: "I'm clean like a baby!"

7. Amy Smart is fantastic again, as she was in the first film, but now she's cute AND trashy AND bad-ass.

6. A turning point in the film: After we watch a man cut his own nipple off with a knife, in slow, excruciating close-up, we are treated to an even longer, more torturous close-up of the removal of the second nipple. That was when I knew that Neveldine and Taylor were men who truly did not give a fuck, who were pushing things as far as they could. Men to be feared and respected.

7. I found myself thinking, “How long has it been since Fight Club came out?” It's been TEN YEARS since Fight Club came out. But that was the last time I remember feeling this way on the way out of a theater, like I'd been punched in the throat. Before that, it was Natural Born Killers. Neveldine and Taylor play with film grammar in fun ways, and at a challenging level of intensity.

8. The kind of jokes about genitalia and racial stereotypes that would normally have me rolling my eyes, had me laughing.

9. Crank: High Voltage is not for everyone. If you have a problem with greasy close ups of smacked buttocks and foreign-object anal penetration and strippers gettting shot through the head and/or implants, it probably isn't your thing. If you play a lot of Grand Theft Auto, on the other hand, you'll feel right at home.

10. Also: vomit, public sex, porn stars, Tourette's syndrome, it's all in there.

It's hard to believe that an American film, shot in Los Angeles with studio money is making these moves, and making them with real, effective humor. We've become so desensitized as a culture, that it is no longer surprising to see mass media that attempts to be shocking, but it is surprising to see art that succeeds in being shocking and yet is still a lot of fun.

Not everyone is going to like this movie. Or maybe everyone will. Everyone worth talking to, at any rate.

On the real, Real-D is for real, really tho.

So let's be real, ... its called My Bloody Valentine;  by the title alone, one should know not to expect any oscar performances or an amazing plot or, in any way shape or form, to feel as though your life will be enriched after watching this movie.   At best, one can hope that watching this movie was not a complete waste of one's time.  And to this end, MBV delivers.

This movie is about the special effects, much like the latest Star Wars movies, except with a better plot (oooo, Lucas, you just got buuurned!).   And the special effects lived up to the challenge of carrying this movie.   This is not your 1980's 3D; not Jaws, not that one Michael Jackson thing at Disneyland back in the day;  there are no red and blue glasses.  This is Real D and its really damn impressive.   Depth perception was very clean and I almost ducked on a couple occasions.  Okay I did once... but it was fun cuz everyone else did it too.

The gimmick kept me awed and entertained from the opening credits (seriously, even the title sequence was like WOW) to the ending credits (and, FYI, a lil after as well).  On a couple of occasions I almost got bored with the glasses/effect.  These were unanimously times when the director actually tried to tell the story rather than just having things pop out at the audience.  Props to him for trying, more than we can say for Lucas (double buuuurn).   In fact, the story was pretty good, and can hold its own in the gory-horror genre, not the best, but probably top 80-85%.   Overall, it made for a fun night out.

Hoodwinked - art of the awesome trailer

I always had a disdain for trailers that told so much of the story that there is no point in watching the actual movie.   I'm on the fence about, but leaning towards disliking, trailers that hide the movie's premise, showing just random clips to entice you, without really giving you any indication of what you're in for.  The trailer for United States of Leland is a different kind all together.  It lied to me!  LIED!  

The trailer made this movie look so good, that I had to pause the DVD, hop on Netflix and queue it up before continuing with whatever it was I was trying to watch.  The story the trailer told was intriguing and suspenseful... the story i got, was completely different.  Now on the one hand, I appreciate the feint, and understand that deceipt can be instrumental in a good mystery movie trailer.  Here's the problem, this aint no damn mystery movie.  It's a melodrama which is clearly intended to be a thought provoking analysis of the human condition.

This is all well and fine, ... I like thought, and analyses, and human condition, and even provocation every now and then.  But I do not like this movie.  It failed at all of the above.   

I blame the director... and Ryan Gosling (Leland).  The pacing was painfully slow, most of the supporting character subplots did zero to advance the story, which resulted in characters that were more caricatures than anything else. The protaganist Leland was so devoid of emotion or expression that at no point did I care what happened to him.  Which made it very difficult for me to believe it when all the other characters in the movie found him so fascinating.  A fine cast is wasted on this movie. 

Speaking of waste, I'll not waste another word. Wait... okay I'll waste three.  Don't watch this.

I heart I heart Huckabees!

"I heart Huckabees" has been on my to see list since it first hit theaters in 2004. When it finally made it to my mailbox via Netflix, it then sat in my apartment for over a month before I finally saw it. It was worth the wait. I laughed my ass off from beginning to end and clapped at the end even though I was watching it alone.
This light hearted satire about "existential detectives" (i'm laughing already :P ) played by the awesome Lily Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman (in the first role since "The Graduate" I like), hits just the right tone. It's one of those movies where everyone is on the same page. The entire cast is awesome. Jason Schwartzman is a wonderful rare find. As much as I'd love to hate Jude Law, I have to admit that he is just damn good. Naomi Watts gets it right as always, and even Mark Wahlberg is pretty damn funny.

This is a thoughtful, somewhat quirky movie, that manages to escape potential pretentiousness with just the right balance of appropriate silliness. Works for me! :D

4 Hours with Che Gueverra

I almost feel like I have to like "Che" after investing 4 and a half hours in it. I suppose for the most part I did like it, but I can't help feeling that someone thought making a four hour movie with subtitles qualifies it for relentless praise and awards.

The film is broken into two parts, the first depicting the Cuban Revolution, the second depicting Che's foray and subsequent capture in Bolivia. It is for the most part, an epic war movie, with not much difference between the two segments. The first segment attempts to insert some historical context with flash "forwards" to interviews with Che, and Che in the UN. It's a nice attempt, but doesn't quite work as smoothly as one would hope.

Benicio Del Toro is no doubt a talented actor, but with the film's painfully obvious favorable portrayal of Che, you wonder what the real Che was like. With such a lengthy movie I had hoped for a little more delving into this fascinating character, or to learn a little more of the surrounding historical context... something more.

I suppose there is merit in a film that can hold one's interest for over 4 hours, but there should also be reason for a film to be that long.

spirit

Going into "The Spirit" knowing that both yahoo critics and users gave it a C downgraded my expectations, which helped my enjoyment of the movie. The C grade is warranted, but, there are still worthy elements in this film.

"The Spirit" is a good reminder of how difficult it is to make a good film. The lack of cohesiveness can pretty much all be attributed to the amateur direction. Frank Miller, a reputable comic artist, takes his first stab at direction, and it is evident that the medium is just not for him. Most of the actors are in desperate need of solid direction, and thus the tone comes off incredibly odd. Audiences aren't sure how to react. Are we suppose to take it seriously? funny? Sin City captures that mixed tone quite well, but this was no Sin City. When the audience is sitting there thinking "I don't get it," not sure what to make of it, the rest of the film just goes to waste. Instead it reads as unintentional cheese. Eva Mendes could've used better direction with when to be serious and when to be coy, though she pulls off the towel scene quite well. Samuel Jackson didn't seem quite right, and the lead character was just not lead enough. Scarlett Johansson was perhaps the sole actress who (to put it like Roberto), knows what movie she's in. She's excellent. (Respect also to the young actress who plays Sand in the flashbacks!)

That being said, Frank Miller does have a medium that he's tremendously talented in. The comic book of course. (Though I have not read them), many of the noir visuals that look straight out of the comic book, translate well to the screen. We see some of the repeated visual themes from Sin City, like the white shoes on black, bubbling tar, shadowy rain, and of course the stark black and white contrasts. There are times where the film medium doesn't quite capture the effect Miller is going for, but there are many many scenes of thrilling imagery.

I'd be interested in checking out the comic version of "The Spirit." I much enjoyed the basic storyline, and once I accepted its cheesiness and flaws, I did, for the most part, enjoy the film. Had an able director been at the helm, "The Spirit" may have been a favorite. Nevertheless, I'll take this failed attempt over formulaic mind mush any day.

quick blog

Superbad

Jonah Hill's constant whining in the first 20 minutes annoyed the hell out of me, which set the tone for the rest of the movie. It certainly has its moments and I wouldn't argue Superbad's funniness, but I spent most of the movie wishing Jonah Hill would just shut the f--k up.



Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

A scatter piece. Feels like someone had to please 50 different producers, and then tried to slip in a thing or two of their own that they didn't know where else to put. I enjoyed the scene of Jack Sparrow in Davy Jones' locker-the look of the stark white, and hey, it's pirate adventures with Johnny Depp, but overall it was messy and still tries to ride the tails of the first.




We Own the Night

Actually better than I was expecting. The drama is well built, and the intensity of the characters' situations really come across.







Planet B-Boy

A recent fave. Any lover of hiphop could easily appreciate this one, and as a documentary is done quite well. Some nice graphics with an appropriate brief intro to bboying and hiphop, transitioning smoothly into the personal subjects, and the film's focal point-the international bboy competition. Well focused, with a nice balance between the subject and personal stories. Interviews are funny and even at times poignant, creating a light comedic touching tone. There's an awesome scene showing korean soldiers starting to break out in dance with a voice over interview of how soldiers are forbidden to dance. Pacing is just right, no lack of amazing dancing with a great soundtrack to match, and they even include some pretty nice scenery from around the world. It's a good one.



16 Blocks


Satisfying enough for a day on the couch with the stomach flu. Satisfactorily entertaining, and Mos Def surprisingly carries his weight.







Barton Fink

A Coen Brothers kooky classic. The cinematography is rich, and performances are amazing. Even the side characters that appear for a brief scene are directed to perfection. You could likely watch this movie multiple times and still have things to ponder and discuss. This movie's got many great layers and is a classic in my book.